Ask a sex coach

“My super sensitive clit has always caused problems in my relationships. Men simply don’t know how to handle it, and I often shy away from being touched. It’s also something that men love because penetrative sex makes me vocal and squirting a lot. Vaginal orgasms, though, don’t leave me fully satisfied, and I end up craving clitoral stimulation. I can have clitoral orgasms on my own, though no partner was able to get me there.

I’ve told my husband that I like to start slow and that direct clitoral touch without any foreplay feels like being electrocuted, yet the moment we’re getting sexual, he would go straight for my clit, causing me to squirm and pull away.

I also see so many women posting about the “womanizer” toy or cunnilingus tips that recommend sucking on a clit. The thought of being on a receiving end of it just makes me shiver. Trying to explain to my partners how to deal with my very tricky lady parts has always been such a struggle that nowadays, I feel completely insecure and in my head, wondering if something is wrong with me.

How can I handle being so sensitive? How can I better explain what I need from my partner? I just feel so lost and unsure of whether I will ever have a functional sexual relationship.” – Ellie

Dear Ellie,
I’m sorry that you feel this way. Your sensitivity and desire to be touched in a way that is arousing and comfortable for you is perfectly valid. If your husband doesn’t pay close attention to your requests or how you respond to his strokes, you have every right to feel upset.

I wouldn’t blame him for not knowing how to do it “right”, though. See, there is no universal technique for touching a vulva or clit in a way that feels good for everyone. I bet that even for you, what feels good changes depending on the day of the month.

Another problem is that most men learn how to handle the clitoris by watching badly made, generic, and very unrealistic porn scenes. Unfortunately, holistic sex education is not something easily accessible.

So, what can you do?

Firstly, learn to accept (if not appreciate) your sensitivity as a unique, not f%ed up, part of your sexuality. Know that if your man wants a sexually expressive and orgasmic you, he will have to put some effort into learning what works for your lady parts. It’s a package deal.

It sounds like you know what your body needs. Now it is a matter of your partner hearing it, then practicing, and adjusting till you dial-up the timing, speed, pressure, and strokes.

One way to help him get a better idea of ​​what you need is to masturbate in front of him so that he can see up close what you do and how. You can also try showing what a sensitive clit feels like by stimulating the head of his cock right after cumming.

It might be helpful to schedule times when both of you could take turns and give each other instructions on how you would like to be touched. Think of it as a sex lab: feedback, in this case, is the goal and not a mood-killer.

Be patient; it’s unlikely that he would do it perfectly even after several of your “sex labs.” But as long as both of you are making an effort and not giving up on each other, you will succeed.